So I've been on a journey to lose weight for OH SO LONG. Yo Yoing for a good 17 years or so now. The last year I've been working at chipping away at my weight and I have a 3 year plan (will probably be 3-5 years at this rate). I've lost 30lbs in the last year and I have approx 100lbs to go in order to get to a healthy weight for my height/age/bone structure. I've done a lot of soul searching over time and I believe that my weight started to go up around the age of 17/18 after about 4 or 5 life trauma's that I lived through (parents split, grandfather died (first close death), father came out of the closet, brother dropped out of school and moved out of the house and boyfriend at the time moved a province away). My weight started increasing and finally came to a rest at the final stage of pregnancy with my daughter who was born August 2007.
Over the years I have tried EVERYTHING short of surgery, mostly dieting. I've done weight watchers, jenny craig, Dr. Bernstein and numerous other cookie/soup/ you name it diets that are out there.
I've also belonged to x amount of gyms over the last 17 years. Thing is...I hate gyms. I have high anxiety being around people and so even thinking about being in a gym stresses me out. I was like this even when I was thin so I know it's not simply my fear of being judged. I am currently working on blocking other peoples anxieties as I know that is part of my problem but I still just can't shake it.
The problem is that I wasn't ready. Don't get me wrong, I thought i was ready. Every. Single. Time. I thought I was ready. I would say to myself...this is it! I'm finally going to be thin again! I'm going to be healthier! I'm going to be able to wear those cute outfits that I can't buy in "My" stores. ... and then I wouldn't. I would get discouraged. I would get side tracked. I would lose 20, 30, 60! pounds and then put it all right back on and more.
I'm TIRED of yoyoing.
So I've been working on what I eat. I KNOW what I eat is for the most part VERY healthy and the right things to be eating. I am trying to get out walking at least 3 mornings a week for 25-30 minutes.
I really WANT to be that fantastically beautiful woman who is just really ok with her weight and knows that she is otherwise VERY healthy and can tell the rest of the world off...but inside I yearn to be able to get rid of this fat hanging off my belly. I want my butt to not be square anymore. I want to be able to fit back into a size 18, then 16 then hell even 14. I don't need to be the size 9/11 that I was at the age of 14...that was too thin for me, but I want to not be self conscious when walking into the wind and my top blows against my belly. I want to be able to sit in an airplain seat/roller coaster/armed chair at a restaurant without being embarrased or without worrying if it will hold my weight.
And so I walk, and I eat healthy.
Currently I'm working on not eating when I'm not actually hungry. I bring celery and other veggies or sometimes fruit with me to work to snack on during the day but often times find myself munching on something to suddenly realize I'm not even a little bit hungry. So I'm consiously trying to reduce my portions at lunch, to play with how much food leaves me satisfied. Not full, not hungry...but satisfied. I'm doing it just babysteps at a time and I think I'm doing well. I've also been working with my Naturopath around diet. I've lost several inches over the months even when my weight has stayed the same, which feels really good. I've gone down a pant size/dress size in the last year.
Small steps. But hopefully permanent ones. It took at least 15 years to be this size so I want to make sure i take if off in a way that I can keep it off.
My mom offered to help pay for a family membership at the local YMCA as birthday/X-mas gifts. Part of me wants to as I know the kids would enjoy it and it includes swimming lessons, etc. which we pay for them independently anyway. Also the Y has childcare for $1/hr for members so I could leave the kids with other kids or staff to play with while I/we worked out.
If The Dada came with me I think I could possibly do it as he would distract me from the other people there, reduce my anxiety somewhat as I could focus on just him or me... But there are two issues that I know are holding me back from jumping at my mom's offer. #1 - the anxiety around people, and #2 - The Dada doesn't get home from work until 7pm usually which is too late for us to go with the kids to the gym in my opinion
So here I sit, ignoring my celery as I'm not hungry at the moment wondering what to do next or if I should just keep doing what I'm doing and hope its enough....
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