Ordered a book called "Food is not the Problem: Deal with what is" by Michelle Morand who is the owner/founder of www.cedriccentre.com and counseller on the topic of eating disorders in B.C. Canada.
According to her definitions...I am a compulsive eater.
I've been reading her website and blog for a few months now after being introduced by a friend who works for her. So many of her posts resonate with me. She doesn't talk about people being unhealthy so much in terms of their weight but in terms of their being unhealthy in terms of their behaviours around eating. (obviously the VERY thin and the VERY fat may have some health issues as well as some people who's weight may be totally "normal" may be unhealthy)
I've known for many years (if not a decade) that my weight started increasing a few years after several life traumas as a teenager. My grandfather died, my parents split, my father came out of the closet, my brother dropped out of school and moved out of the house and my boyfriend at the time moved a 6 hour drive away. My life, in the course of a two year span got shaken and flipped upside down. My weight began to go up within a year or so of all that happening.
I eat really well. Most of my food choices are healthy and nutricious. I eat too much. I eat when I'm not hungry. I eat when I'm bored/upset/sad. I feel guilty around eating. I hate eating around people. I feel embarassed about eating around people. If I want to eat something "I shouldn't be eating" I hide it and eat in private. It has been this way for almost half of my life now.
As I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago, I will often find myself sitting at my desk munching on celery only to realise I'm not the least bit hungry.
When I did my elimination diet late last year I had no guilt around my eating. For the first time in a decade at least...no guilt. No embarassement. My weight hadn't changed...but I felt good and positive about what I was eating. I was still eating a lot, but I knew the choices were very good for me and I felt healthy and alert and alive and not hungry at all. Don't get me wrong, it was hard and I had my moments where I wanted to just give up and have a giant bowl of ice cream after a huge plate of pizza, but I made it through. After the elimination diet was over (I was on it for approx 3 months) I started another diet eliminating a whole lot of things again. The difference between this diet and the elimiation diet was that this diet did not reintroduce foods that had been eliminated...they simply were not allowed. I started feeling depressed and like I had no control over what I ate and didn't eat. I found myself cheating and finally took myself off the diet as my mood was getting lower and lower.
Since then I've been eating well and not eating a lot of certain foods (like complex carbs and sugar) but not eliminating them from my diet...but I have that guilt again... Even when I am eating everything I should be...I want to hide what I'm eating again....
Michelle from the Cedric Centre calls that voice in my head the "Drill Sergeant". A voice in my head that means well, but that is not helpful at the moment.
It's an intreaguing book and I will keep up updated on my thoughts as I read it. The goal of the book is to help a person integrate their Nurting self, authentic self and drill sergeant and deal with the underlying issue of the eating disorder in order to begin to eat healthy (not regarding type of food but HOW one eats and how they feel while they eat).
I also wonder just what damage was done to my brain around eating when at 14 years old my doctor told me I was too fat and needed to lose 20lbs. I had NEVER thought of myself as heavy before this moment. I lost the 20lbs through starving myself and got down to 145lbs. I was 5'9 and big boned and still developping somewhat I'm sure... ~sigh~ He has since appologized to me for that, but the damage was done. I found a new doctor about 6 years ago.
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